Despair

Life isn't always easy. At some point in our journey we may feel much as the pioneers did as they crossed Iowa--up to our knees in mud, forced to bury some of our dreams along the way. We all face rocky ridges, with the wind in our face and winter coming on too soon. Sometimes it seems as though there is no end to the dust that stings our eyes and clouds our vision. Sharp edges of despair and discouragement jut out of the terrain to slow our passage. Always, there is a Devil's Gate, which will swing wide open to lure us in. Those who are wise and faithful will steer a course as far from such temptation as possible, while others--sometimes those who are nearest and dearest to us--succumb to the attraction of ease, comfort, convenience, and rest. Occasionally we reach the top of one summit in life, as the pioneers did, only to see more mountain peaks ahead, higher and more challenging than the one we have just traversed. Tapping unseen reservoirs of faith and endurance, we, as did our forebears, inch ever forward toward that day when our voices can join with those of all pioneers who have endured in faith, singing: "All is well! All is well!" (Hymns, no. 30).—Elder M. Russell Ballard, General Conference, April 1997

We had our appointment at the U today. I hate that place, it is always bad news. We have spent so much time there we have nicknamed the people we deal with like the Grim Reaper. We know if you are asked to go in the purple room you are soon greeted by the Grim Reaper, we have watched countless families go in and come out with their world torn apart. To bad the Grim Reaper is this tall, skinny, bushy haired kid who looks like he just graduated high school. People never know that this kid is the Reaper in disguise. We met with the ultrasound tech that Sam usually calls Mutes because they won't tell you anything. But today we had a talker and I loved her! She explained so many things to me that she probably shouldn't have, but it was nice to feel like there wasn't a awful secret to hide from us. She showed us all the fluid I have, and explained how they measure it and that she measures everything three times and then gets an estimate. My fluid was 35, normal is in the 20-23 range, I am carrying a fish bowl. Aaron's head is the size of a full term baby and his limbs are the size of a 17 week old baby. Aaron has hair and eyelashes, he moves like a fish and then we were told he now has hydrocephalus, and that is when I thought "Come ON! Cut me a break here, why can't anything be going right?" I felt despair. Then we were asked to wait until the Doctor could come back, she had to go and deliver a baby. And so we waited for 2 and half hours to hear the news that the day has arrived and sometime in the next week we need to deliver. I hate today! Did I mention that it is our anniversary, that we had plans to go out to dinner and do something fun? But instead Sam insisted on going to the funeral home to look at baby casket's. I felt more than alone, I felt hollow, and empty and I wanted to just cry to the Lord "PLEASE, JUST HAVE MY WATER BREAK RIGHT NOW, AND END THIS RIGHT NOW!" I am not sure why or what the lesson is, for me to have to schedule the day to end my son's life, but this is despair. I wonder how will I ever be happy again? When will this emptiness leave me? Everything I feared is happening, I will have to be induced, I will have to bury my baby in the cold heartless month of January, and I will have to do this with the awful feeling of despair. I didn't want this experience to be cold and bitter, I wanted to end it on a spiritual high. SO I will turn to my Heavenly Father for the next few days, asking him for strength to help me get through this. Reminding myself of the little miracles we have been blessed to be witness too, looking upward instead of downward... and reminding myself to never ever say the words "It can't get worse, than what it is right now."

I think I will turn my blog over to my little sister for the next little while and she can keep those who want to know what is going on up to date. I am not sure what the rest of the week will be like, we meet with the OB in the morning to schedule our induction. Thanks again to all who have prayed for us, we have felt your prayers..although my post today might seem like I haven't, I have. I know my boys have felt them too.

Happy Birthday Preston and Thank you Santa!

Today my little boy is 5! How can this be? We had a party at our house with both sides of the family and all the nieces and nephews. Preston loved it! He got the best presents too! Thanks to everyone who helped make it such a wonderful party!


This is the alligator that Sam kept telling all the kids we keep in the basement.






The yummy cake from Grandma Sugar Mama (Grandma Shirley)










On Monday Santa just happened to be in the neighborhood and dropped in to see us, My family loved it! Thank you Santa!

Making Friends

Sam and I have been making the last touches on making sure everything is in place for when our baby arrives. We have been making friends everywhere we go, and everyone who hears of Aaron's story is touched. It has been a long 9 weeks and we finally got his burial outfit, which I wanted to thank the kind and generous ladies at Little Thing Mean A Lot for helping me. I think the two hardest things I have ever done is picking out the burial outfit and going to the fabric store to pick out material for his burial blanket. At Little Things Means Alot, Preston and I just locked ourselves in a dressing room for a moment, but the ladies shortly caught on and helped me find something. They have an absolute no return policy but they loaded me up and said whatever I didn't need I could bring back. Thank you so much for helping me.












The fabric store was just as awful. My Mom wanted to do the blanket so we went to a fabric store that had so many baby prints, the store was overwhelming full of pregnant women and laughing just a joyful place, but not for me. Both my Mom and I agreed that this was just to hard for me to do. My Mom who I think is having just as hard of time as we are, found some ladies in her ward to help us out. Thank you to Nancy Landvatter and Trudy Neilson for helping us, they quilted and did the binding around the quilt. Thank you for giving yourself to us during such a busy time of year and doing it out of the kindness of your heart.












I wanted a blanket that we could keep and tuck away but I wanted the quilt to be his burial blanket, I just kept thinking that I know I would want something that he touched as a memory, but I could not find anything that I really loved. Then last night I received a letter explaining that this blanket was from Bethlehem the birthplace of the Savior and that she was giving it to us for Aaron who also is a special spirit who just needs a body, from Debbie Fetzer. I don't even know Debbie, she works at the University Institute with my Mother In Law and gave us this.











I also wanted to thank the kind and generous people at Sernicare they are helping us with the burial and casket and pretty much it will not cost us a thing, which is just a big blessing. I can't forget to thank my in laws for giving us a place to bury him, He will be buried with Sam's little sister who passed away in 1999 from cancer. I can't imagine a better place to put him then along side his beautiful Aunt Emily, who always wanted the niece's and nephews to remember her. Now she will have one right along side her to give her a break from all this guardian angel work she has been doing. Although Sam seems to think that Aaron will be Preston's personal guardian Angel and Preston keeps telling us that Aaron is his conscience (obviously he watches Pinocchio a lot).

I am sharing all of this, because all of these acts of kindness are answered prayers. I wasn't sure how I would be able to do all of this and I knew I wanted to do this all for Aaron. I have spent endless hours with Stockton on home work with a lot of tears shed. I have spent endless nights with Preston while getting his epilepsy under control, again tears shed. I knew that I could do these few hard things for Aaron shedding tears and falling in love with him more. I love my boys so much! This experience has helped me be a better Mom and to love my boys more, because I now really, really know what it means when they say tomorrow this could all be over. Now don't get me wrong I do still want to pull my hair out, and say "I can't wait until your dad is home", but I am enjoying the good moments a lot more, and trying to patiently enjoy the bad ones.

Music and the Spoken Word

My dear friend Anneka invited me to go with her to Music and the Spoken Word. It was also a mini concert with Miss Natalie Cole and David McCullough afterwards. It was amazing! I loved every minute of it and so did Aaron, he moved throughout the whole program. Sam and Stockton were able to attend also, Grandma Vickie gave them tickets. Stockton thought it was amazing.

We saw The Prophet, President Thomas S. Monson. As he entered the room, the room became silent and people rose to their feet. I cried, I thought I wonder if I have enough faith that if I were to ask him to heal Aaron, that Aaron would be healed. For those reading this and who are not Mormon, we believe that Prophets and Apostles live and provide us with modern day revelation. We believe that our President of the Church is a Prophet of God and holds the same Presthood keys as the Savior Jesus Christ. It may be a lot to swallow for you if you have never heard this before, but I was in the same room as President Monson our Prophet and I am a witness that he is a disciple of Jesus Christ. I believe that He does have the power to heal, bless, and receive revelation, IF it is God's will.

I honestly thought to myself what would Security do if a big pregnant woman were to charge the prophet?... But, I thought for sometime about how I already knew that Aaron's situation is God's will. I will always remember when Sam said it first in a pray 'If it be your will Heavenly Father, Please let Aaron be healed' I wanted to hit Sam when he said that! But I know we needed to let the Lord know that we weren't giving up faith or hope we were just putting it in his hands. We went to the U of U shortly after and they confirmed his diagnosis of TD and honestly we had to offer more support to the Medical team then they did to us, because the Lord had prepared us for the news, we knew that it was the Lord's will.

The rest of the concert I sat watching Miss Natalie Cole, sing of the Savior. I needed to be reminded about this time of year. To celebrate the Birth of The Savior who died for me and you, and because of his atoning sacrifice I will see my baby again! This was just what Sam and I needed to be lifted, to be edified by song and messages of the season and about the Savior.

It seems like in some ways this is getting so hard, the decision to have Aaron unless my water breaks will be mine. And how? How in the world do I make the decision to try and have him at the right time so I can end his life? It just is something that is weighing so heavily on me right now. I just keep praying that when the time is right my body will do what it is suppose to for once, and that I won't have to make this decision. Just so you know I have never gone into labor by myself, I have always had to have medicine step in and help me. Even while carrying an almost 10lbs baby, my body just kept going and I had Stockton several weeks after his due date. The doctor's just keep telling me they will help me as best as they can in trying to watch everything. We will see what they say tomorrow. Yet again another appointment to the OBGYN where I get to watch all the pregnant women come and go and hear them talk about how miserable they are, or how they are so scared to have twins and now they have to quit thier jobs,(I am sure they are justified in all comments...I just don't want to hear it right now.) I absolutely hate the OBGYN right now. So pray for us! Pray I won't go Postal at the OBGYN tomorrow :).

Another Memory

My brother asked me to watch his kids, so I turned it into a party. It has been so cold and the things we are wanting to do are outside, seriously who wants to hang out in negative degree weather. We decided to make a memory with the nieces and nephews and make gingerbread houses. We have kids ranging in ages of 10 to 3, they lasted about an hour, and they were so good to help each other it was a hit! Thanks Jody and Mom for helping me pull this together so fast.



Preston and I- We had some building issues.... but no big deal to Preston he decided that he was just going to smother it in candy.










See it looks so good now.









This is Gavin- he lasted the longest on decorating. He has a little competitive side he wanted to be the last one done.










This is Stockton who insisted on helping Cameron. (I love my Stockton)









This is the girls Ady and Mckenzie- Mckenzie ate almost all of Ady's candy....Ady was very nice about it and just laughed.










This is Braiden- He looks like he is asleep but his not, he is just more meticulous when it came to building his house.







This is all of us and our houses, thanks for the great night and wonderful memory! And look Mom one picture with all of your grandchildren and of course your favorite child!

Some Good News, Some Not So Good News.

This is Aaron! He looks amazing. Our bad news is that it will be a miracle if I go another 4 weeks, his head and fluid are just growing so fast. The news was followed by good news, we had a couple of Doctors helping us and one Doctor wasn't sure if Aaron had TD1 or TD2, but the other was positive that he had TD1. The difference is a clover leaf marking on the head and very soft bones. Aaron most certainly has TD1 and his ultrasound yesterday confirmed that there is no clover leaf marking. Which really, none of this makes any difference the outcome is the same, but for my little boys it is an answer to many nights of me making deals with my Heavenly Father. I prayed so hard that Aaron would look well enough that I could show him to his brothers, I did not want the image of Aaron to be one that would hurt them in anyway, and I did not want to have to tell them they could not see him. So it looks like I have a lot of living up to do on my end, to make things right with God.

One night after a very bad Doctor's appointment when a lot of things looked so grim, I asked the Lord "What would the lesson be for me to not see Aaron alive?" I need the proof that Aaron was alive so that the world would recognize that he was alive, that he did get a body, that he is apart of our family, that truly he did exist. I laid in bed for hours pleading with the Lord that I needed to see Aaron alive and then a thought came to me it was a thought of a voice that I knew, and it said "Mom, I will always be with you." I knew that voice, I knew it was Aaron's. I only share this very personal experience with everyone because I feel the need to show that Heavenly Father is here. He knows how sad we are, he continually sends the spirit to comfort us and lift us. At anytime that I have had questions they have shortly after been answered by doctors, by friends, or at church. I usually don't have to ask the questions either they are just randomly answered and I know that the Lord is with us.
I know that most of you won't ever meet our son, but maybe by reading this experience you will see how he lit our family on fire to live the Gospel, to share the Gospel and to have pure testimonies that Families Are Forever, that God hears and answers prayers, He mourns with us and he will even carry us. Aaron will not be forgotten he will live on with Sam and I and his brothers into the eternities.

May your holiday be as filled with the spirit as ours has been. Love the Jensen's and mostly Aaron.

When I look down.

When I look down I see this. There are days when I am excited at the thought of having my body back, to be able to breath, bend over, put my shoes on without having to make some sort of noise. But most of the days when I look down I just want to cry, I know that it is almost over.

My belly is so big that the boys have started to say "Mom, I will get that" when it requires me to bend or reach, or if they bump me they say "Sorry, Aaron."

My belly is so big that I am almost to the point that Preston can not sit on my lap. But I don't want to tell him to get off because I know it may be one of the last times that I will hold my two little boys at the same time. (If I thought it was at all possible I would hold Stockton too, but I know that isn't happening)

My belly is so big that tomorrow when I go to the Doctor's, I know it will not be good news. I know how much I have grown in just a few short weeks. I hate that I have to go to the Doctor's so they can point out what I already know. I am just praying I have ate myself fat and that it is not more bad news.